A Bleak Reality

A Recent Survey of Republicans (via Feministe)

Sadly, I am not shocked. Unfortunately, I can name over twenty people in my (earlier) life that reflect the beliefs in this survey's results. Education, and information is vital...but so is a desire to learn, to be informed. *Sigh*

It's Just Emotion Taking Me Over

I’ve been pondering how one stays in touch with one’s emotions from a place of honesty. Then I realized that the concept was oxymoronic. Emotions, if left alone, are honest. The emotions themselves are a direct manifestation of what one feels. It is our use of words, euphemisms, restraint, exaggeration, silence and noise that distorts the honesty of our emotions. This is not wrong, in my opinion. Exercising one’s capacity to use discretion is part of the human experience.

Or maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe that notion of wearing your emotions on your sleeve is not so bad. Maybe unleashed expression is the new bravery, for those of us that have gotten cozy with restraint, for those of us who are artists, for those of us paving our own road to follow…for those of us who long to love more deeply, who long to hate more passionately.

There is something fascinating and intriguing about watching a person who lets it all hang out and has little or no use for temperance or diplomacy. It is even more captivating to encounter a person like this who is both unapologetic and rather secure in her/himself. It is fascinating because it is not me, or like me. Unlike me, this person treats her/his emotions with the utmost importance in the moment – without thinking about it, or others, first. Isn’t there something so seductive about being an emotional open book? You give your most raw performance and the expression just flows out of you, not over calculated or under delivered. As a person on the receiving end, you experience this outbreak of honesty unfiltered – like raw honey…

…Or raw sewage. That’s the thing. It can be great, or it can be ugly. Every opportunity, every expression can go one of two ways. You can love what you just saw or heard, or loathe it. You can justify what you just said or did, or apologize for it. You can be mesmerized or nauseated. You can be fierce or a hot mess.

Perhaps that is the best advantage to unfettered emotion: you have options.

Old Poems

I found a folder called "Aviva's Poetry" on my computer, which I'm in the process of backing up as it prepares for a silent, painless death in the near future. Here are some things I found that aren't entirely embarrassing or indicative of my sloppy youth:

“See Me”

Tell me what you see in me,
And I will say what it will be.
For what you see may not be me
And what I know you do not see
But it is me who wants to be free
In spite of what you see in me
For I forever will be me
No matter what I seem to be.

- 7/2/98 Aviva Jaye




“Secret”

Whisper something sweet to me.
If I hear it and love it,
That means you have won.
Yes, you have won me over –
As if you hadn’t before.
I do hear it…
Sure enough you have won.
By the way, I love you, too.

- 7/27/98 Aviva Jaye


“This Too Shall Pass”

Rise above, beyond the deep gutter
Filled with utter scum…
Masquerading as earthly splendor.
Throw away your cold infatuation
With transient allure.
They call that integrity?
What a conniving lie to feed hungry
Lovesicks such as ourselves.
Hungry, perhaps, but not ignorant.
After all, the heart and mind only live
Within personal blocks of each other.
They have a thing or two to teach each other…
For our souls’ sake.
Our minds will counsel our hearts
To be lighter, our thoughts to be slower,
And our spirits to be better than ever.

- 4/24/03 Aviva Jaye

Really?

I would imagine most of you, like myself have never heard of NARTH or P4cm, which is probably a good thing. Feministe highlighted some of the absurdity here, back in February. I recall laughing...and somewhat wanting to cry, for the folks featured at P4cm (How many colors can an Ex-Masturbator shirt come in?!). Apparently, my family finds it all but absurd, and what better way to connect with one's bisexual daughter than to email her testimonies of "ex-gays" or other African American girls who "hated being a lesbian." Maybe one day she can wear her very own "Ex-Lesbian' shirt. Oh lawd.

While I don't think it's productive to dismiss a person's own story, I do think it is of the upmost importance that a difference be drawn between a) someone who suffers at the hand of a constant lack of pride or sense of worth, and b)someone who does not experience feelings of conflict between one's orientation and/or identity and their set of personal values and has a developed sense of true pride. Let's not go into how much ignorance, inaccuracy, and intolerance has been uncovered over the decades concerning previous statements regarding sexual orientation. What I will say is that in the much awaited wake of rapidly spreading equality and keener understanding of diversity, there is still much ignorance to obliterate.

Apart from one's personal beliefs or opinions, I've found that lack of knowledge is the biggest wedge that splits connections, or keeps them from cultivating, between gay and straight family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, "doctors," "patients," etc. It is the continued spread of stereotypes, misconceptions, bigoted statements, assumptions, fears, and raw unwillingness to accept that lead people like my family to believe that they have a solid understanding that is in fact narrow and inaccurate, however human. Equality and sincere pride will not drag their feet, so I hope that my family can invest in some running shoes in time. I'll welcome them should they arrive.

Inspiration List

I found a large Post-It in my journal that said "Inspiration List" at the top, and I found it interesting. This is exactly as I found it, stars, exclamations and all.

Inspiration List

- nature
- fresh air
- good music albums*
- Bjork
- Feist! :-)
- Lamb
- Simon & Garfunkel
- Imogen Heap
- live concerts
- fellow artists
- visual art
- films*
- good conversation
- controversy
- yoga
- books*
- magazines*
- writing*
- theatre shows*
- performing!!!*
- dancing*
- choirs
- choral music
- social breakthroughs
- firsthand diversity
- talking to dear friends

Obviously, this list is very broad and general, and I could break down the specifics from this (and add some things!), but I thought is was interesting that I even wrote an "Inspiration List" in the first place. It was found on a journal page in which I wrote about being an artist and making music. Perhaps I'll find this list helpful as I continue to write songs and stay motivated and, well...inspired.

Streaming

Computer, laptop, phone, cell, text, email, Internet, Google, Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, gossip, music, mp3s, words, clicks, shoes, money, status, status updates, connection, instant, media, business, privacy,

publicity, desire, greed, heartbreak, fix, repair, forget, get, give, want, have, need, demand, complain, bitch, share, tell, show, upload export, read, ingest, influence, indoctrinate, educate, contemplate, comment, like, dislike, rate, hate, love, add, ignore, join, leave, fry, brain, mind,

stimulate, overload, progress, discover, find, introduce, opinion, message, profile, listen, headphones, view, pause, rewind, envelop, surround, ingrain, homogenize, diversify, routine, standard, favorite, bookmark, return, again, discuss, admire, want, wish, disappoint, aspire, inspire, distant, confuse, find, replace, check, edit, erase, clear send, name, create, change, remain, move.

New York Magazine on Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama has gotten quite close with the media over the past year and a half, to say the least. While I decidedly did not read every tidbit written about her during that time, I did read some, and boy, did the commentary run the spectrum. I found New York Magazine's profile on her to be quite interesting, sometimes clever, other times, fluffy, occasionally raw. Read the series, written by various authors, here and tell me what you thought.