Life Is Not Convenient

I am beginning to realize more and more that life is not...convenient. This isn't necessarily a new found truth, but my awareness of it is more poignant. It seems to me that we are not set up to tend to things that need crucial care in our own lives. By this I mean that we are not set up (societal) to tend to our relational dysfunction, our festering resentment, our psychological defense walls and our irrational (and rational) fears. There is work to be done, there are beds to be made, rent and mortgages to be paid, schedules to maintain, food to be eaten, board meetings to attend, desires to fulfill, presentations to be prepared, gossip to be discussed, games to be played, relationships to gain...but not to cultivate?

Yes, I am aware that more of the things on this list do need to be done, but why do therapy sessions (formal and informal) have to end in an hour? Why can't that fax wait but a heartfelt conversation has to wait? I think our search for true balance could stand a boost. All the completed to-do lists in the world will not make a relationship better, and face it we must: interacting with other people is a part of living life.

Several days ago I ate lunch with my friend and she kept saying things such as, "My, you're talkative today" and "So...Chatty Cathy..." because I was quiet. Perhaps it was more unsettling than I realized since she kept eluding to it.

I didn't have anything particular to say. Of course, there was plenty on my mind, but most of it was open-ended, theoretical, complicated, potentially disarming, deep, copious. The thoughts I had could not be discussed in a perfect little framework or on a pre-determined timeline. The chances of putting a nice conclusion on the conversation would have been slim. Besides, it seemed that my friend wanted to be in a light-hearted, upbeat mood during her break that day, and I knew this kind of "beneath-the-surface" conversation could have darkened that tone of her lunch time.

Looking back, I am reminded of that section in Eve Ensler's book Insecure At Last where she tells of how she would "protect" her dad by lying about where she got the bruise on her face, so as not to ruin his sober, handsome morning persona by telling him it was his fault. We all do this in big and small ways, some seemingly harmless. What I wanted to do, what I felt was the right thing to do, was to lay it all out there and dive into the discussion, conversation, thought process, story. I wanted my friend to go there with me. I didn't want too much resistance. I was ready for the unknown that the conversation had to offer, but I wasn't ready for the hesitation. This is my fault. I didn't take the risk. I bowed out.

I know we can't "dive in" every minute of every day. That list I made of things to be done earlier - they still need to be done. Nonetheless, I think we sell ourselves short trying to fit the open-ended things and thoughts, into neat little packages that do not spill over into our compartmentalized lives. Our capabilities should influence our schedules and actions, not the other way around. That conversation my friend and I could potentially have had could have been satisfying, enriching, encouraging or challenging, without taking forever, but I gave in to the fear of feeling like an inconvenience.

Why would I feel that way? Because relationships and meaningful conversation and challenging our thoughts with new ones is inconvenient to daily life it seems. But if I keep giving in, what kind of life will I be preserving anyway? I don't think it's meant to be convenient. I don't think relationships are meant to all be convenient either. Life is for living to the fullest. Schedules and goals will help this happen, but the relentless grip on convenience can thwart it. This unwillingness to live transparently in any fashion will surely make for a life in the dark. Life is not always convenient. Facing the way you defend yourself is not convenient; hearing someone else's story is not convenient. Facing an irrational fear is not easy or convenient, but this is part of life, if we let it be.