Mind Battles

The rational/logical side of my mind battles the intuitive/abstract side, and while I believe the intuitive side is usually right, I like to hope that my rational thought will prove me wrong. It's as though I attempt to trick myself, which is absurd, since it's "myself" that possesses the intuition in the first place. It's been my experience that intuition, although not brainier, is wiser, or at least accurate if not precise. Nonetheless, I turn my face toward this rational side, full of its calculations and estimates as though they're absolute because they're concrete.

It's not always a battle. In fact, I need both sides to co-exist in order to survive, like two halves make a whole. I just don't know why we as humans (Or is is Americans? Or is it just me?) push to outsmart our apprehensions. Perhaps we're afraid that by having an apprehensive thought we inevitably make that "bad thing" happen. In any case, I know I need to be undoubtedly and more proactively humble toward my intuition.

Like recently. I got this...opportunity. I went for it, for I knew I needed it (well, I needed an opportunity, if not this one). When it was offered to me, it seemed, sloppier than before when I first met it. It seemed incomplete as well, and it seemed as though it were keeping secrets from me that were necessary to know. Great start. This little "encounter" gave me an uneasy feeling, slight but present. Before jumping the gun, I immediately considered (and assumed) that this uneasiness was a product of my tendency to worry about the future, my paranoia and mistrust of things not going well for me in this department, and my disappointment in the delivery of this otherwise decent opportunity.

A day passed. My intuition was incessant. I couldn't shake the apprehension. Again, I gave Intuition the silent treatment, turned toward Mz. Rational (yes, with a "z") and said, "What do you have to say?" In short, Mz. R. said that my worrying-paranoia-anxiety-bad history-anticipation of a monkey wrench-fear that it will not work out for me is severely tainting my view of this "Opp" by a large percentage.

Sounds good to me, so I try to relax. Later, I get out some index cards and start working on some calculations and estimates, how this Opp will positively factor into my goals and game plan, making sure that I've chosen correctly (the choice to pursue this Opp, that is), checking to see if I could continue moving forward.

As I calculate this Opp's advantages, Intuition gets louder in its responses, and my uneasiness grows in size. These calculations aren't looking good - best-case scenario, worst-case scenario, it looks bleak. Then The Thoughts creep in. "What am I doing? Should I move forward? What if the Opp lied to me? What if it's not good? What if I thought it was organized, but I'm really walking into a mess? What will I have to show for myself? What if I walked away now and never end up knowing that it would've in fact worked out? Is that worse? Then I will let so many people down for not getting my act together and pushing through. I will have nothing to show for myself anyway, and I will be back at square one, won't I? If I take the chance, will I actually move forward or progress, though, or be stuck anyway, shamed by my own Intuition, my own goals, my own game plan, my own happiness? Will I end up at square one anyway??"

AAAGGHHH! STOP! The Thoughts take five. There is no way to know but to wait it out and see what happens when I meet Opp in person again the next day. Sadly this is not comforting. To me, this equals wasted time unmitigated anxiety, lost sleep, extra uncertainty on the side - too much, too messy. This is when Mz. Rational loses her footing. This is where Intuition is out to lunch. This is the hour of Unwanted Emotion. Yuck! Unrelenting tears, shortened breaths, absence of positivity - I HATE this hour! If only Intuition and Rational could have agreed this time, it would've been fine...smooth sailing. Oh well. The hour has to end at some point.

And it does end. The next day I head out to meet this Opp again. I'm too worn and beaten to be so anxious that I don't go. I have too much faith in Mz. R. to give up on her. I feel badly about how I'm treating my Intuition, but I can't give in just yet. After the re-meet, a part of me still wished I had given in. I mean, it's better to face it (the Opp) to find out, but Intuition, so humble, so steady, so respectful, is nearly always right. I knew that all along. There is no backtracking, though. I must move forward and figure it out from here. My intuition and rational sides will have plenty of opinion and will inevitably battle it out again (isn't that what makes me a human), but I'm slowly realizing that it's not thought but trust that has the right of way, and ultimately leads me forward to the place where I need (and want) to be. As I've always written at the end of every single journal entry, free-writing rant, open-ended process - we shall see.