Love Victim?

I’ve been experiencing, or rather re-experiencing, that occurrence or feeling - I cannot decide which it is - when I feel as though someone’s pain, or outlook, or fear, or fatigue is truly victimizing not only that person but me as well, and possibly others, I suppose. It’s something that is deeply rooted, and one cannot simply waltz onto the lawn and expect to lift the tall oak out of the ground with a single hand. When someone does not want things to be the way they are (or her/himself to be the way s/he is), and has wished this for a long time, and has possibly resorted to thinking about something else, or ignoring the complete disdain (or is it much more like pain?) for this circumstance (or attribute), I as someone else cannot be entitled to changing this discomfort or even dodging the subsequent aftermath of it all. I cannot snap my fingers and make this person think differently, feel better, or at least differently, behave differently or compel her/him to recognize the victimization all of this perpetuates.

Victimization is a strong word, I know, and while I tend to sneer at the use of the word “victim” much like not wanting to look while getting a shot, the word has meaning and when it can be used correctly or properly, I am not above using it. This can get messy when dealing with relationships of any kind. I think many of us throw ourselves into the role of victim too conveniently, when we are upset, impatient, sad, hurt, tired and angry in a relationship. Sometimes we are in fact victims, and that is why we feel these ways. Other times we aren’t being fair, just…selfish.

I can’t speak for everyone, but I love to avoid being a victim when possible, and when victimized in some small (or large) way in a relationship, I like to be in control of how I deal with it. This involves owning it all, the incident, my emotions, my principles, my observations, and going from there…acknowledging the wrongdoing, not apologizing for something that was not my fault, not blame shifting or going overboard, not holding a grudge, keeping some sort of reasonable perspective, forgiving, and moving forward (cautiously or carefree…it’s up to me). Sometimes, though, it is out of my control.

What about when someone’s baggage attached to his/her existence is what has victimized you, and s/he does not even realize it yet? What if something that s/he is still trying to overcome resurfaces from time to time, pushing you closer to anguish, but never too far? What if it seems that s/he is paralyzed by dislike of her/himself but cannot (not yet) figure out whether to change something or accept something within, and this paralysis infects you for a moment, or longer? What if s/he has compartmentalized (or fragmented), trying to keep separate the quest for love (or someone to love) and self-hatred that hinders love itself, and has failed at this separation but does not realize it? What can be said, shown, done?

The journey of self-acceptance, healing, the road to true open-mindedness begins with oneself, but it is not required that one be alone or isolated while getting there. We’d all die alone if we had to wait to cross the finish line of self-betterment in order to be with someone else, love someone else, extend grace, kindness, inspiration, motivation. Therefore, we are all victims of another’s journey. We hit the potholes s/he has made unknowingly. We are the shattered windshields the gravel rocks have broken. We are scarred on the face by the branch that whips back in her/his wake. Inevitably, we are doing this to someone else as we treat our own wounds as well. To love is to dare, and to dare is to potentially harm, for we are not perfect. Yet, one must decide how much victimization one can handle, and whether it is at the hands of someone who is trying, making her/his way or someone who is out to harm. It is okay to be mindful or someone’s love for oneself, and whether it is still developing, no matter how gracefully or clumsily. It is also okay to gauge how this affects you, as loved one, victim or not.